Lately, I've been thinking alot about people...people in general but mainly the people in my life. I think I have made it to a realization that everybody has a defect but through all of those defects there are these strengths that lie within each of them. I think for too long I have focused so much on the negative of everyone around me that I have lost sight of all that is positive.

There is something growing inside of me. No! I am not pregnant. However, in a metaphorical sense I am. It's like another version of me is growing. Think of it as Ashley 2.0. It's about time for an upgrade, people. Twenty-six years with same software is just beyond ridiculous.

I don't really know how to explain this without sounding like some looney so I'll just keep on going because, afterall, this is MY blog.

It's like when an insect experiences molting. This insect outgrows its old self and must shed it in order to continue its life. I'm molting! I am shedding the old me and becoming something better.

Ok. So what? I compared myself to an insect. Is that what you are thinking? Would it help if I spit out the whole butterfly scenerio? Well, I'm not.

The whole point I am trying to make is I finally understand the whole hype of being "born again". No, I haven't run out to join a church. What I am saying is quite simple. When a Christian tells you that they have been born again, the truth is they "feel" like they have. They truly believe they are new people because they feel like new people. They feel like the weights of all their burdens have been lifted. That's how I feel.

I feel like this has taken forever and I don't know how I functioned for so long. Of course, going back to thinking about "people"...

I realize I am a few steps ahead of the game. I see people around me still struggling with all of their own pesonal demons that they are stuck in this pit of quicksand. The more they struggle the faster they sink. I am done with the struggle.

People say life is hard and it is. It truly is. However, some of the things we struggle over is pointless and time consuming. We just need to "be" and to take our lives one day at a time and enjoy this life because it is the only one we have. You only get one chance to live your life so you need to live it whether or not "when you are dead, you are dead" or whether or not you go on to some afterlife.

I know it must seem like I am lecturing you (Yes. You...the one reading this.) In all actuality, I am really speaking to myself. This is in fact my own personal pep talk. These are the things that go through my mind when I am lying in bed trying to go to sleep.

To some, I probably sound like a babbling idiot. I don't feel like an ass. Honestly, I feel pretty damn sure of myself. If I am dwelling in a false sense of reality, then let me be. I am happy. This is my "afterlife" and not yours!

I think this about sums it up. There is a little more I would like to write here. I would like to say a few thank you's. I'm warning you just in case you want to stop reading now. But we both know, you won't because you are just dying to see if your name is somewhere down there.

You are just dying to scroll down, aren't you?

First of all, let me state the obvious. Thank you mom and dad. Like I said earlier, we all have kinks. In any case, you are the ones who created this mold and the fact that I have overcome my own contraints shows that I do have strength. I will not thank you for "giving" me strength since you did not wrap it up in a bow and hand it to me. I will thank you for "teaching" me strength.

And thank you Liz for always looking up to me. When I felt like everyone around me (including myself) thought I was shit, you always made me see that there was someone out there that thought I was the cat's meow. All these years, I have enjoyed that pedestal you put me on but now it is my turn to step down and let you know that I think you are a great person too that deserves to be told so.

Thanks to my husband, Nick. You, also, have taught me a great deal of strength. You also taught me how to love and how to accept myself. It was because of you that I have learned that the only way people can love me is if I love myself first.

Thank you to my babies, Gabriel and Milan. It was because of the two of you that I want to be a better person. I love you both so much. I look at the both of you and I think about the movie "Where The Heart Is" with Natalie Portman and Ashley Judd. Portman's character says while holding her newborn baby, "How do you love someone so much that you just met?" Well, I know. Trust me.

Thank you Lisa X. Your honesty always helped me piece togethers the puzzle. I know most people refer to your brutal truths as "bitchiness" but I say, "Fuck them!" It's your best quality.

Jessica...thank you for always letting me vent. You are a much better friend than you give yourself credit for.

And Mrs. Ki...now in the short time that I have known you, I know that I made a good choice befriending you. Thank you for listening and, of course, reading my blogs like you do. It is an honor to be on your team.

One last thank you...thank you Brenda for helping me through the long, dark tunnel. You may not have held my hand but your honesty and encouragement was the guiding light. I may not be done with the journey but you have showed me the wisdom that always laid within me that I am able to do this. I guess I just needed a push.

Those are the main credits I felt I needed to give. Although there are so many other people, that I feel have contributed to my chemical makeup, I just couldn't stay awake long enough to that you all.

Thank you for taking an interest in my soap opera or at least being sucked into the void known as me talking.